JUST FOR FUN...IS THERE A FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT TO WORSHIP THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER?
QUESTION: WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN RELIGIOUSLY EATING LOTS OF SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS AND DRINKING GROG WHILE DRESSING AS PIRATES
ANSWER: DOING SO AT TAXPAYER EXPENSE ALONG WITH FREE ROOM AND BOARD AT THE PENITENTIARY, BUT AAARGH,IT WON'T FLY!
Stephen Cavanaugh, a prisoner in the Nebraska State Penitentiary, sued prison officials for refusing to accommodate his swashbuckling, high-carb religious practices. The U.S. District Court sank the suit—parrot, meatballs, and all! Cavanaugh v. Bartelt, No. 4: 14-CV-3183 (D. Neb. Apr. 12, 2016).
Let’s Set the Table and Clear the Decks.
Mr. Cavanaugh alleged that he has “openly declared his beliefs for many years” in the divine Flying Spaghetti Monster (“FSMism”). In fact, he “has several tattoos proclaiming his faith.”
He wanted prison officials to give him the same rights as other religious groups, including, “the ability to order and wear religious clothing and pendants, the right to meet for weekly worship services and classes and the right to receive communion.” According to the Court, “religious clothing” is a “pirate costume” and “communion” is “a large portion of spaghetti and meatballs.” The Court said that the “religious” practices sought “would presumably include such things as grog, a parrot, a seaworthy vessel, a “Colander of Goodness,” and to take off every Friday as a ‘religious holiday.’”
Shiver Me Timbers! What is “FSMism”?
According to the Court, FSMism arose “as a response to the theory that the origins of life on Earth can be found in ‘intelligent design.’” Bobby Henderson wrote The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (2006) (“FSM Gospel”). He sent it to the Kansas State Board of Education as a challenge to teaching “intelligent design” in science classes. As the Court said:
The conceit of FSMism is that, because intelligent design does not identify the designer, its “master intellect” could just as easily be a “Flying Spaghetti Monster” as any Judeo-Christian deity—and, in fact, that there is as much scientific evidence for a Flying Spaghetti Monster as any other creator.
Sacred Word and Liturgy?
The Flying Spaghetti Monster Gospel provides a flavor of what Mr. Cavanaugh sought:
Can I get a “Ramen” from the congregation?!
Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today’s fastest-growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Why are people not-so-devout Pastafarians?
What drives the FSM’s devout followers, aka Pastafarians? Some say it’s the assuring touch from the FSM’s Noodly Appendage. There are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in Pirate-Speak and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb.
The FSM Gospel continues:
Still others are drawn to the Church’s flimsy moral standards, religious holidays every Friday, and the fact that Pastafarian Heaven is way cooler. Does your Heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano? Intelligent Design has finally met its match—and it has nothing to do with apes or the Olive Garden of Eden.
Yo Ho Ho! No Pirate Grog or Flying Spaghetti in Prison?
The U.S. District Court analyzed Mr. Cavanaugh’s claims that his religious freedom was being violated. The Court considered the religious freedom provisions of the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution and the Equal Protection provisions of the Constitution along with similar and parallel provisions of the Nebraska Constitution. The Court also analyzed the religious practices under the Religious Land Use and Institutionalized Persons Act. Aargh, Matey!
How do you Determine Whether Pastafarians’ Beliefs are Genuinely Religious?
Courts have said that religions address “fundamental and ultimate questions having to do with deep and imponderable matters.” (Was the world created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster? “Humans share 95% of their DNA with chimpanzees, but they share 99.9% with Pirates!”) Religions involve belief systems, rather than isolated teachings. (Gravity is the result of the Flying Spaghetti Monster “pushing us down with His Noodly Appendages” and “global warming is caused by the decreasing number of pirates on the high seas.”) In addition, religions can be recognized by certain formal and external signs. (Pirate vestments, spaghetti and meatballs for communion with grog, parrots and seaworthy vessels?)
The Court concluded that FSMism is a “parody religion.” Because the Court found that FSMism is not a “religion” it dismissed all of the claims by Mr. Cavanaugh. He won’t get to celebrate Fridays as holidays and won’t wear pirate garb and the Colander of Goodness while drinking grog in prison. He may occasionally have “communion” of “a large portion of spaghetti and meatballs,” if it is on the prison menu.
This article may be distributed with attribution but may not be excerpted or modified without the permission of the author.
MICHAEL R KING
GAMMAGE & BURNHAM
602-256-4405
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This article may be distributed with attribution but may not be excerpted or modified without the permission of the author.
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